4 min read
The Incapacity to Belong
A lifelong feeling of not belonging, and a book that finally gave it a name: otroversion, a wiring that is not a disability but a way of being.
I spent my life feeling different from others. My parents raised me like my sisters, and not much different from the other children in the society I grew up in. Nothing seemed wrong; I was fed well, received an education similar to that of the working middle class in East Java, and was accepted by friends.
Nevertheless, there was always dissatisfaction, the feeling that I was different and I didn’t belong there. I hated seeing the stark difference between the rich and the poor; I disliked going to Quran school and conforming with norms, such as praying and believing in God; I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I remember I was 5 back then, and none of the other children seemed uncomfortable with themselves, nor were my sisters. One evening, I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, thinking that religion is stupid and God is unjust. At the age of 5.
I thought I was being difficult and I tried to fit in. I didn’t have many options, did I? After all, like I said, I was not really facing dire life difficulties or abuse. I studied, I had some friends, I followed the norms like praying (at least when I was with a group), I excelled in my class and scientific competitions. Yet the feeling of discomfort and dissatisfaction still lingered, still grew.
I forced myself to do group activities. After all, solidarity was the most important value. I had to be part of a class, of a cohort in my bachelor’s. I had to attend a lot of the usual trainings by seniors that made sure the bond of the cohorts should be ironclad.
At some point it became more and more difficult, with my coming of age, with my ever-expanding mind, with the increasing rate of information flow through the internet, and the realization that I am gay.
So then, my rationale was to find a way to get out of a society and a country where I didn’t feel a sense of belonging. So I studied, graduated, sent a hundred emails to professors around the world, and I applied for 20 scholarships worldwide.
Long story short, I relocated to Europe for my (first) master’s degree with a full scholarship. Moving from country to country, adapting to languages and customs, I kept expanding my mind through learning and reading.
My life got better. I found a few close friends, love, a second master’s degree, a profession, and freedom to travel and discover things. Yet certain questions surfaced, and the feeling of non-belonging persists. I don’t identify with or conform to the country and society I was born in; I don’t truly fit in with the six cities and three countries, no matter how much I learned the language and took the integration course. I still feel different from my peers, but in different circumstances. I talk and think about different interests than most people.
During my visit to Berlin on a weekend in July 2026, I visited a bookstore, grabbed a book called “The Gift of Not Belonging” by Dr. Rami Kaminski, and I began to read it. The book resonates with me, and I am quite inspired by it.
It turns out, some people are just wired differently in the brain. A new term that he proposed is “otroverts,” a category other than introverts and extroverts. It is characterized by the incapacity to feel a sense of belonging, and perhaps an aversion to belonging to any groups or communities. It is not by any means a disability; in fact, it is a strength when individuals understand and accept themselves. Otroverts think outside the box; they hate being in a group; they enjoy one-on-one connections and conversations; and they are great observers.
After the moment of realization, I introspected myself. I accepted that I may never have a sense of belonging to a society or community, or relate to my peers, and I enjoy one-on-one personal connections. I tried to stop punishing myself, thinking that there must be something wrong with me.
I found out that I like to write and build, and my strength is my mind and imagination. Even when my ability to code or create with my hands is limited, I can still produce something that I am passionate about, with the help of technology, my experience, and knowledge.
I will close this short piece with a quote from the movie “Deconstructing Harry” by Woody Allen: “Know yourself, stop kidding yourself, accept your limitations, and get on with your life.” I will get on with my life, still with hope, and I will keep expanding my mind.