No Longer a Repressed Homosexual 

I was born and raised in a conservative society where one religion dominated the cultural norms of the entire nation. I discovered my attraction to men at an early age, as early as elementary school, just before 2010. I continued my education through to my bachelor's degree before leaving the country. Through my lens, I can share what it was like to live as a young gay man in what I experienced as a repressive society.

Can't Speak About It

I often think back to the days when I was confused about my sexuality. I was just 12 years old when I realized I was attracted to male presence and physiques. My peers talked about girls, my teachers taught limited sex education focused on heterosexual relationships, my parents never discussed love or sex, and I couldn't find any reference points in my environment to help me understand what I was feeling. What was I supposed to do?

The internet was still in its early days, considering both geography and timing. When I ventured online, I found myself in a rabbit hole of information, communities, and discussions. Eventually, I learned that what I was experiencing was called being gay or homosexual. Naturally, I wanted to know if this was normal. The majority of sources suggested it was a kind of disease, which led me to search for possible cures. Then I discovered information about sexually transmitted diseases that could spread through homosexual activity, with HIV/AIDS being the most prominent, having claimed many lives in the 90s. This terrified me.

The alternative view was that it was normal. I found articles, mostly in English, explaining that homosexuality existed throughout history and across the world. I discovered movements in the US supporting gay youth. They proclaimed "love is love" and "love wins." It was the 2010s when I discovered an eclectic artist singing "Born This Way," who stood out from her industry peers. She was Lady Gaga. This gave me a sense of validation – that it was okay to feel different from others in my environment. I felt inspired.

These conflicting perspectives would occupy my mind for years to come. I kept these feelings to myself, hoping I would be blessed with the strength to endure.

The Burden of "Deviance"

The religion of the society taught that homosexuals were deviants who deserved divine punishment. The holy book narrated how, due to their persistent transgressions, God punished the homosexual people of Lut by destroying their cities through a rain of stones and a mighty upheaval. This narrative was constantly repeated by my religious teachers and those around me. Later I realized that this doctrine was very sticky in the mind. I urged to break free.

As I entered adolescence and began sexual development, my curiosity grew. I started to believe that this curiosity was one of the devil's most clever tools. In my isolation, the internet became my only friend. I began looking at pictures and videos, desperately searching for strangers online who shared similar experiences. Guilt accompanied every interaction, yet it never diminished – I simply learned to persevere despite it.

It was in high school when it was the hardest. It was not demanding that others accept me, it was rather demanding myself to accept me. I could not continue to live with constant conflicts, in a tight spot between embracing who I am and denial. I had to make a decision. I chose to embrace my sexuality from within. So then what could I do? 

High school is three more years and I could not seem to meet the right people to connect with without a mask. The best option was to assimilate. Because, when you stand out as a deviant, the punishment seems to be very terrifying and humiliating. I could only wish that the circumstances would have changed. 

The Age of Acceptance

I chose to study at a university almost 1,000 km away from my hometown, hoping things would be better. To my surprise, prejudice against homosexuality still prevailed. I realized this might be a nationwide phenomenon. In my first year of study, two students were punished by university officials for alleged sexual activities in the dormitory. They were forced to undergo a "corrective" mentoring program. I never learned who they were or what happened to them afterward, though I wished I could have talked with them.

As I educated myself, things gradually improved. Through literature and movies, I learned that a happy life was attainable for homosexuals. I dedicated myself to breaking free from all prejudices. Finally, I no longer felt guilty.

I later met two friends who shared similar stories to mine. I began meeting more people who were struggling with self-acceptance and societal acceptance. Some still struggled to accept themselves, others concealed their identity through heterosexual relationships, and some fully embraced who they were.

In my final year of bachelor's studies, I experienced my first love and relationship with a man. Though it was new to me, it was wonderful. I finally embraced, wholly and completely, that love is love, and love wins. Later, in 2021, I was fortunate enough to receive a scholarship to pursue my education in Europe.

The New Home

Europe was perfect for me, especially Belgium who has been kind to me. I chose to live in a society that generally aligned with my ideology and philosophy (or could it be that the place you belong to chooses for you?). I became kinder to myself and wholeheartedly want to contribute to the society. The journey wasn't without struggles - I faced identity issues, visa anxieties, and financial difficulties. However, for the first time in my life, I finally feel at home. 

Nevertheless, I wish that no one should have to bear such a burden of guilt and discrimination. No one in the world should feel unaccepted or unloved. Everyone deserves love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging - we should build a society with this paradigm at its core.